Emilee

 Today felt like the worst day I have had in quite sometime. It was one of those days that felt like I kept having to brace myself for the next thing to go wrong. AC was draining into my apartment, the day the fridge guys came to take my fridge away. However, this circumstance I think could have went a bit smoother, if I had communicated the issue with my landlord sooner rather than later - I fear I could have saved myself a lot of emotional distress by being proactive about this. This is not a self criticism, rather something I think we should remind ourself that avoiding the uncomfortable typical makes the follow through that much harder. When we confront things head on it allows us to make sound decisions & provides us with a greater timeframe to process things. Sometimes I need to freak out about something - let myself be sad, mad or hurt about it so I can release those feelings. It is okay that today shook me, it felt chaotic & emotional, my routine was thrown, and cle...

 Sometimes I have thoughts that I am shocked they ever crossed my mind. This feels like a repeat pattern, but once again I hope vulnerability will convince my mom that I am enough for her to want to make a change for herself. That she will stop and think "what am I doing? I've wasted so much precious time with my kids and the love she has for us outweighs that amount of shame and hate she holds for herself.  So, as I sat here messaging Leah about the depressing conversation Mom and I just had. A scary thought crossed my mind - if that is really it for her, then maybe take her out of her misery; if she really is incapable of changing, then give her what she wants. And its so shit to even think that - the muscles in my throat tighten just thinking about it. Its a terrifying thought thinking that one day Mom or Dad could pass and we'd still be estranged. I just wish something would click, so I am not feeling so emotionally drained.  Sometimes I feel like I can feel other peo...

 Today I spoke with my mom about the relationship she has with herself and how it affects our relationship. Something I dare not let myself with because the potential disappointment & heart ache is so likely to happen - at least it feels likely. My mom hates herself, to the point she's convinced she is this terrible person who needs to hide herself from the world & thus she acts like this hateful person with the intention (whether conscious or not) to push people away from her in fear of hurting them. When I see it my brain is unable to understand the process, but i am sure along the way its come to make sense to her. There is another part of me that wonders if maybe there isn't a bigger meaning behind her thoughts and actions & she just genuinely doesn't like anyone. I think what hurts the most is the love she holds for me has no chance against the hate she holds towards herself. Its a terrifying thought to think that one day my parents will be gone and they...

I haven't had that spark of pure joy in a while - perhaps I have but I have been in my pore pessimistic mindset. I reached out to an old high school pal, we'll call him Pong. A little back story on Pong, he's that person you remember fondly from high school - an unexpected friend who you still think of from time to time & always wish their getting everything they could have hoped for. We used to go to our friend Rone's house on weekends and play ping pong and those were one of the moments I remember really feeling like a kid in high school. The moments where you're just authentically yourself and you're not worried that you'll be in trouble for being who you really are.  When I think back, those moments feel far and few between but maybe that's because for now those moments are being tainted by other ones I have feared to look through in a long time. That's where the idea of this blog came from, my hand cramps when I write even though I dream to ...