07.23.2025

 Sometimes I have thoughts that I am shocked they ever crossed my mind. This feels like a repeat pattern, but once again I hope vulnerability will convince my mom that I am enough for her to want to make a change for herself. That she will stop and think "what am I doing? I've wasted so much precious time with my kids and the love she has for us outweighs that amount of shame and hate she holds for herself. 

So, as I sat here messaging Leah about the depressing conversation Mom and I just had. A scary thought crossed my mind - if that is really it for her, then maybe take her out of her misery; if she really is incapable of changing, then give her what she wants. And its so shit to even think that - the muscles in my throat tighten just thinking about it. Its a terrifying thought thinking that one day Mom or Dad could pass and we'd still be estranged. I just wish something would click, so I am not feeling so emotionally drained. 

Sometimes I feel like I can feel other people's emotions or energies. Perhaps I have shied away from it and secluded myself because I feel that emotional burden each day. Perhaps I need to find a create where there is more solitude - where I am not absorbing the energy of others - perhaps more of a sideline roll where I help people. So I wont feel as tasked and can put my energy towards my friends and family.