0.22.2025

 Today I spoke with my mom about the relationship she has with herself and how it affects our relationship. Something I dare not let myself with because the potential disappointment & heart ache is so likely to happen - at least it feels likely. My mom hates herself, to the point she's convinced she is this terrible person who needs to hide herself from the world & thus she acts like this hateful person with the intention (whether conscious or not) to push people away from her in fear of hurting them. When I see it my brain is unable to understand the process, but i am sure along the way its come to make sense to her. There is another part of me that wonders if maybe there isn't a bigger meaning behind her thoughts and actions & she just genuinely doesn't like anyone. I think what hurts the most is the love she holds for me has no chance against the hate she holds towards herself. Its a terrifying thought to think that one day my parents will be gone and they'll have parted with us having an estranged relationship. 

I left this conversation feelings completely drained - mentally foggy, tired, and heavy hearted. Every time that I tell her "I can't convince you that you're worth it but-" now I wonder who i am trying to convince of this. But everything that comes with a but negates what was previously said no? I have a weird relationship with God, the universe, spirituality because addressing the universe feels like vast emptiness far beyond and distant or disconnected. God definitely feels closer, but perhaps not fully encompassing Would that have anything to do with the memories, maybe definitions of who God is in the past. When I use God I feel a sense of uneasiness. Maybe I need to redefine God for myself & detach it from what I was told, and redefine it as someone I know, and want to know better, because I could really use them right now. I pray that something can be sparked within my mom so she may heal and grow. I ask the same for my brother and sisters. I pray one day they are so confident in themselves that no one can make them feel as though they are worth less than all the happiness in the world and all their dreams coming true. I pray that they know connection with each other and the people around them. And I continue to pray for that for myself because in the past little bit I have started to wonder if I am the good person I tell myself I am. I hope we can all be healed and flourish into the best versions of ourselves which bears all the fruits of its labour.