07.07.2025

 Today felt like the worst day I have had in quite sometime. It was one of those days that felt like I kept having to brace myself for the next thing to go wrong. AC was draining into my apartment, the day the fridge guys came to take my fridge away. However, this circumstance I think could have went a bit smoother, if I had communicated the issue with my landlord sooner rather than later - I fear I could have saved myself a lot of emotional distress by being proactive about this. This is not a self criticism, rather something I think we should remind ourself that avoiding the uncomfortable typical makes the follow through that much harder. When we confront things head on it allows us to make sound decisions & provides us with a greater timeframe to process things. Sometimes I need to freak out about something - let myself be sad, mad or hurt about it so I can release those feelings. It is okay that today shook me, it felt chaotic & emotional, my routine was thrown, and clearly Daisy was stressed. I am valid in my feelings & am allowed to set them free. 

Now we must talk about Mom - today was one of those days where I gave her more than I had in me. Answering multiple calls, listening to emotional woes. I was with Dad one on one for the first time since I sent him that message - AND IT WAS SCARY. I'll say it time and time again that a huge fear of mine is that one day either one of them may pass & our relationship will still be estranged. I know the love is there and she is misguided but fuck it doesn't make her words hurt any less. I see my Mom just utterly lost in life - wishing to die - and there is not a thing that I can do about it. 

Then she says things that sound a lot like she doesn't think I am capable of achieving the things I want to achieve. Saying things that sound a lot like Daisy should be with someone better. But tonight as I took Daisy outside and I was patient with her (disconnected from my phone) - giving her the time and patience she deserves, she is the absolute best girl. And I am reminded that she's MY crazy girl and together we're learning how to do this whole thing. She has become my ultimate companion. She is thoroughly excited to see me every day and eager to learn - she shows progress daily in so many different ways & she makes me smile. And she is the one who is motivating me to perhaps find a different job and find the home of our dreams - travel!! I do truly think she has the potential to be a solid travelling companion & we can take all of the adventures. There are somethings I need to take of to be able to accomplish this dream but the harder I work for it the sooner it will come. The more I believe it's happening, the more likely I will make strides towards it.